Thoughts About Grief

It has been six months since my precious Mother died. Every thing is the same but nothing is the same. I miss her everyday and still can't think about her without tearing up. Sometimes the tears just come rolling out and I can't stop them. I want to pick up the phone and tell her about how many miles I walked or that I got my motorcycle out for the first time this spring. I want to tell her the Lathrops are on their way home from Hawaii and that Easton is walking and Ryland is playing soccer. I want to talk to her about baseball season starting or the Saints winning the Super Bowl.

I normally only blog about fun stuff but this post is different. I want to do it. Perhaps for my own kids because one day they will go through all of this. Maybe just for me to get it off my mind for a while. My biggest question with this experience is, "Is this normal?" Is it normal to feel this way? Is it normal to not feel like doing anything? Is it normal to cry so much? Is it normal to feel so empty? Is it normal to want her back even though I know she is with the Lord? Is it normal to still be feeling so alone? There are lots of questions starting with...Is it normal! Logically, I know there really is no normal. Everyone is different and we experience grief differently. Sometimes I feel like I will never feel right again. Yet, I know I will because I am starting to move that direction. I am feeling joy again. I am not just going through the motions. I was walking the other day and thought... I feel good. I am having fun. Most days I am excited about life but it still feels very different.

I hang on to the fact that my Mom was a Christian and she is happier than I can even imagine and she is totally pain free. I think about the moment she saw God. What was it like? Glorious! I wish I could know just a little of what it felt like to actually see God. I feel God and see Him working in me and in my life. I wonder how people who do not believe in God get through the death of someone they love. I think about my family and don't want them to be sad when I die because I know I will be experiencing what my Mom is! I wish there was a way that my daughters would not feel this grief. I know they will but just remember girls...I lived life and loved life and I will be with Jesus. Yippee!

My mom died on a Sunday and Toby Keith had just come out with a song about a friend of his that died. I heard that song and cried. It so hit home. I bet a lot of you have heard it. It is so where I was the first few months and it reminded me so much of my mom! Especially the part that says...play it sweet in heaven 'cause that is right where you wanna be. She did! She looked forward to heaven!

Got the news on Friday mornin’
But a tear I couldn’t find
You showed me how I’m supposed to live
And now you showed me how to die
I was lost till Sunday mornin’
I woke up to face my fear
While I’m writing you this goodbye song
I found a tear

I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me

I got up and dialed your number
And your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
I heard a thousand times it just said
Sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and god bless
I know you think I’m crazy
But I had to hear your voice again

I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me

So play your upside-down, left handed
Backwards bass guitar
And I’ll see you on the other side
Superstar

I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me

I’m still crying
I’m crying for me
I’m still crying

I was out walking the other day with my ipod plugged in my ear. I had downloaded a bunch of Christian music and I wasn't familiar with it all. A song by Matthew West came on and it really hit a nerve. Not in a bad way more in a way that I am healing. The song wasn't so sad it was more about starting to accept being without the person! That is when I realized I am beginning to heal. Here are the words...

Don´t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
´Cause everyday it´s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I´m dreaming of the day when I´m finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I´ll be there soon
I´ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I´ll be there soon
I´ll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer´s for another time
So instead I´ll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh but until I get there
Until I get there

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I´ll be there soon
I´ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I´ll be there soon
I´ll be there soon

I think of her but now more often I can just...

And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did

Today these are my thoughts about grief and about my Mom. She was a wonderful lady and such a great example to all of her family and the world. She rode on the back a friend's Harley not too long ago. She went to aerobics with her friends weekly and she got so excited about seeing Kurt Warner on her new HD TV. Mostly she loved us and wanted the world to know that God loves each of us.